I Can’t Blame George
This is the story in real time.
I’ve been reading my journals from just a few weeks before I made George leave.
Unless I am willing to identify and own my responsibility in relationships in which I believe I was an innocent “victim,” I’ll repeat that behavior, with the same results, in every relationship. Already I can identify my own destructive patterns in my current relationship. The patterns in my marriage are obvious and glaring.
The tricky part is when I pretend that if I am quiet, agreeable, and avoid conflict and confrontation, then I’m innocent. I’m justified in being resentful and passive-aggressive. And when it goes far enough, I run. I drop everything good and go.
It’s obvious that I have to deal with this right away, along with everything else, or there won’t be anything else.
That was nine days before George had a major episode, and I didn’t let him come home from work.
A couple of days before his rage session, I wrote:
I avoid complaining or correcting as much as possible so that when I do express a need, it is taken seriously and respected. When I actually complain or specifically request, I try to do it only once. I don't want to be a "nag," and adults should only have to be told one time. When there is no change in behavior, I plant a seed of resentment. When the resentment blooms, I passive-aggressively react by reducing the amount of effort I put into being helpful and attentive, thus causing unnecessary tension and disappointment. I damage the relationship.
I’m a fucking genius.
Can anyone explain how I was aware enough to journal these patterns but didn’t recognize them in action only a few days apart?
And there’s more of the same. Lots of it. Pages of it.
How did I blow up my life like this? I destroyed his trust. What I did to make him unable to come home is horrible.