Always Be Accommodating. Always Be Smiling.
During my early childhood, I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents. I’m sure Mom and Byron just didn’t want me around. That worked out because I always wanted to be as far away from Byron as possible. Following my 8th grade year of school, Mom and Byron separated and divorced; I went to live with my grandparents for high school.
From the time I was born, I’ve been told my grandmother treated me like a treasured baby doll. She enjoyed dressing me up in frilly dresses and patent leather shoes with ribbons in my hair and little white gloves on my hands. And she loved taking me places with her. We would go shopping, to the hair salon (she called it the beauty parlor), or to visit her friends for coffee. I’ve heard she would take me to her bridge club when I was as young as two or four years old. I would properly and politely greet each of the players, then sit with a picture book and “read” (make up my own stories) to myself for as long as they played cards.
An older cousin told me a year or two ago that Mom never treated me the way most mothers treat their babies. He said she was jealous of me because, from the day she was born and adopted (on the same day) by my grandparents, SHE had been my grandmother’s baby doll to dress up and show off… Until she got pregnant with me while she was in high school. It was sad that as soon as I was born, all of the praise, attention, and approval was immediately transferred from my mother to me. That’s why she hated me so openly… because she really hated (still hates) me.
Along with the praise and attention came lessons from my grandmother. Early in my life, she taught me there can be great rewards for being “seen and not heard” or “polite and smiling.” The best rewards were approval and positive attention. By the time I reached adolescence, I was well-trained in the art of people-pleasing; I saw it as an achievement rather than a character flaw. Because those behaviors served me, I continued to improve them. Always be accommodating, and if someone needs something that I’m able to provide, never say no. (Boys and men especially tend to appreciate the never say no part.)
Demonstrating excellent manners was paramount to my grandmother. She had books from every etiquette guru you could imagine. She constantly reminded me to straighten my posture or keep my feet tilted correctly. Where she enforced etiquette, though, was at the dinner table. She enforced posture, tone of voice, volume, etc., not to mention the proper spoon and fork. Always be smiling.
I learned all of those lessons, and I was proud of myself for it because my grandmother was proud of me for it.
Living Life in People Pleasing Bliss and Ignorance
Do you remember the first time you heard “People Pleaser”? I remember when I heard it for the first time. I was at a service industry event at a dive bar with a couple of girls I worked with, and this guy sent us a round of shots before helping himself to the extra seat in our booth… Next to me. We talked for a while, and I don’t even know what I was talking about (probably inappropriate oversharing), and he responded with, “You really are a people pleaser, aren’t you?” Instead of realizing that I had probably been broadcasting all of my vulnerabilities for abuse to this guy and he was receiving the message, I was flattered that he thought of me as a people pleaser… and I left the bar with him. He made running into each other very awkward after that night, but I was used to that.
A year or two later, I was updating my resume for customer service, hospitality, and HR positions and included “People Pleaser” among my marketable “strengths,” still thinking it was an advantage. I must have sounded like a complete moron to the interviewer, who asked me to explain that expression. That interview was 24 years ago, and it’s still humiliating…. No, not still humiliating… how about finally? Now that I understand the translation.
When I first came to identify as codependent, I acknowledged a list of characteristics that are common in codependency. Lacking boundaries, conflict avoidance, difficulty identifying feelings, poor communication in relationships, difficulty making decisions, difficulty saying no, caretaking, intimacy issues, and sacrificing needs/wants are all characteristics of codependency that are strong in me. People pleasing is normally among this list. I’ve come to realize that, at least for myself, these behaviors/traits are not parallel to people pleasing; they are the pillars that support people pleasing.
Pleasing people is not something to be eliminated from my personality. There’s nothing wrong with caring for or about others and wanting them to be happy. I just have to be vigilant about not victimizing myself in the process of making someone else happy. And sometimes vigilance is uncomfortable.
Last week, when Mr B accepted an invitation to lunch for both of us, I didn’t want to tell him I didn’t want to go. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have told him. I would have gone to lunch instead of going home to my dogs, and I would have felt taken advantage of and resentful the whole time and after. I did the uncomfortable thing and told him I was going home for lunch. You know what? It wasn’t even a big deal, but I stressed over it like my job was in the balance over a lunch invite.
At least I’m getting better. Slowly.
Can you relate? Have you found yourself saying yes when you should have been saying no? Do you struggle with overcoming habits you learned in childhood that don’t serve you as an adult?
I have said yes to work obligations- like working through my days off. No more. Boundaries.
It's not easy, and it may never feel natural. But we have to learn to say "no" if something is a no. People will actually respect that we respect ourselves, not inconveniencing ourselves to please them.