Just Some Thoughts
Learning that I have codependency was a blessing. Living with it is a curse.
Almost a year ago, I discovered that when all of my weakest characteristics and behaviors are viewed together, they are labeled “codependent.” It was a huge relief to finally have an answer to the “what the fuck is wrong with me?” question I’ve asked for half a century. It was even a relief to discover that it was something I learned instead of some defect. Realizing that it came out of my childhood trauma was perfect because it allowed me to finally stop caring that my mother doesn’t like me and never did.
Beyond the small relief of identifying my codependency, there’s a lot of struggle in the awareness. The awareness shines a light on the characteristics and how they manifest. For me, the characteristics that are always front of mind are people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, and poor communication skills, but they go hand-in-hand. You can’t really have one if you don’t have the others.
One way this trio manifests is in my work schedule. My duties on the ranch begin around 7:00 a.m., seven days per week, rain or shine. The morning duties are all focused on the direct health and welfare of the livestock: checking their water, monitoring their grazing availability and moving them as needed, delivering feed, providing supplemental minerals and nutrition, and watching for illness or injury. My afternoon duties usually begin around 2:00 p.m. and are usually more involved with grounds maintenance: mowing the yards at all of the house properties on the ranch, regulating invasive plants, field and crop prep, or supporting Mr. B when he’s doing heavy equipment work. After accounting for the weather, I normally work 5-7 afternoons a week. If the weather has been good and we have a good forcast, Mr. B decides at lunch if we’ll be working Saturday and Sunday afternoon. I average close to 50 hours every week; during calving season, when we are monitoring the births of over 400 calves in two months, I get in closer to 70 hours a week.
This schedule makes having any kind of life outside of work difficult. Factor in maintaining the house, feeding myself, caring for my dogs, socializing with Lucy the Wonder Hen, and waking up at 3:00 a.m. every day to write, and I don’t even have time or energy during an average week to make the 30-minute drive to a good grocery store (and I wasn’t able to start my garden during calving season).
What does this have to do with codependency? At first, I had weekends off. After not saying no to working a couple of weekend mornings (people pleasing), it just became 7 days a week (no boundaries), and I never spoke up about it. The same thing happened with weekend afternoons. I only ask for time off for doctors’ appointments, and I don’t ask for enough time to go to the grocery store while I’m in town (poor communication). I feel so guilty about asking for time off for things I need (I’m almost a year behind in seeing my optometrist) that I keep neglecting myself.
Having awareness of my codependent behaviors hasn’t helped any of the major ways it affects me. It just makes me more aware of my shortcomings. I spend more time sitting in my emotions, feeling unpleasant feelings. Low self-esteem and fear of abandonment seem to thrive in this environment because my life is a constant reminder that I got myself here by trying to make everyone happy, and it all failed.
I can’t even let myself believe that I was trying to be helpful anymore. Because I know I’m codependent, I also know that everything I do to be nice or helpful is just me subconsciously trying to manipulate people into needing me. Do I like being the person who does the research before a major purchase, makes online orders, pays bills, or calls customer service? No. I hate all of that. But I’ve been willing to be the one who does it because it makes me more needed by my husband and because it gives me more knowledge about what’s going on, which is a form of control. Since I made him leave, not having that control by being needed has been more painful than I could have imagined. Probably even more painful than the pain that caused me to make him leave.
The worst part is knowing all that holds me back is illogical fear. I can’t imagine that any outcome of me speaking up for myself would be any worse than keeping my mouth shut. At least if I stood up for myself, I could have some self-respect. Knowing it doesn’t help. Fear wins.
Codependency sucks, but at least I know what the fuck is wrong with me. That’s all the good I can say about it.
What are your thoughts on codependency? How do your characteristics manifest?
This is so interesting. I think I know other people who have co-dependency.
It’s making me think of a colleague who works all hours, evenings, weekends, days off. She does really great work and is always helping people. But you know what? I have to work really hard at not being drawn in to match her output. I know I have to because I’ve been there and burned out before. I find myself having to be really careful around internalising feelings that I’m not doing enough, that I’m not doing as much as her, or even as much as I could be, because I want to do other things too. Sometimes nothing. Sometimes I just want to feel ok doing nothing and being available for something spontaneous should it come up. Some might call this lazy or self-centred but I’m ok with that now. I hope this isn’t sounding in anyway critical, I’m just connecting the dots because you made me think about what might be driving my colleague.
Hello, sister. How many years did I check those boxes. I look back at the years I spent in unpaid volunteer positions, full-time. Was I appreciated? No. Only criticized. Taking on my boss’s responsibilities - all of them - until he threw me under the bus. Did I realize that he was off getting drunk while I was doing his job? Of course not! He was such a great guy! Enough said. Keep writing. It will save you. DM me anytime.❤️